E.LU.minate the Best

I think one of the most beautiful things we possess in life, as humans are memories. And I don’t mean specifically each detail of each memory, simply because some aspects can be reconstructed time after time; But the general scope of the memory: the present people, the ubiquitous smell, the visible colors, and everything general about that certain moment, compacted into a memory. It’s objective; it’s static; it’s pure. Memories are simply photographs stored in our minds until it’s time to view at them.

After recently when I found out my grandma passed away, I started thinking about this one picture that my family placed on the shelf of a piano in our old home. It was during my early years as a child ecstatically clapping my hands in full view of an enormous rectangular birthday cake, with my grandma smiling behind me just as happily. And although that memory was stored way back into the subconscious, I see that as a moment when everything just seemed so right in the world. Objective, static, pure. Sometimes I wish my mind would somehow “photo-shop” my childhood memory of my grandma over the one when I heard she was suddenly stricken with some unimaginable health problem that stole her life just a mere few days later.

Likewise, I was walking along the track field at Relay for Life today and I could just imagine how many memories each person had of a loved one in which happiness surrounded that moment.

Not only that, it seems that parts of my world now is crumbling into chaos. Friendships seem to be deteriorating. Trust broken. Distance established. And I can’t help think there was a memory in which it encapsulates all that is good. I sift through various memory moments as if it was a scrapbook full of pictures, and I focus on those that really emphasized on the closeness between my friends and I. I don’t expect someone to build a time machine and take me back those these moments that the memories correspond to. I just simply wish I could stay in those memories forever and never believe there were events that would follow after. All I can imagine in my situation now is hoping for new memories forming, in which everything becomes peacefully resolved.

sometimes i wish i was as cool as gloria. but then i realize, i’ll never be as cool as her. sadly, i have to live with that message every day. why? why can’t i be as cool as her? #sadlyfe4eva

i took a personality test and got the attribute of “expressive.” interestingly, everything present that corresponds to the characteristic of expressive is true, INCLUDING the negatives. i started reflecting upon myself and I’m SICK of being at the center of attention. i get easily jealous when (a) certain friend(s) hang out with another certain friend(s). i wish my personality was just a bit diminished and that i would be considered more as an “amiable” person. why do i get jealous so easily? why am i so overly emotional. honestly, i would give up all my friends in the world, just to be able to communicate effectively all of my emotions, thoughts, aspirations to ONE SINGLE person. i crave that emotional attention, and it drives my current psyche into depression. why :( how can i change? how can i focus less on the little details and not take things too personally, and just be ok with not being close to someone?

One week from today = Spring Break :)

The other day, my friend was talking about how her roommate wanted to adopt a bunny due to its misfit character at the pet store. Apparently it usually gets picked on by the other bunnies; it was also almost going to be fed to the snakes!

Part of me just realized: that’s what life is like. If you never hit that standard for “normal,” you’ll be shunned aside. If you’re performing under-par at your job, you get fired. If you get below average on an exam you’re one step closer to failing. Life is frustrating because of its dog-eat-dog world. You can never just strive for mediocrity; you HAVE to be above average. I’m not saying I don’t want to be the best, but sometimes life puts some restraints on you. Like the bunny, I’m sure it didn’t grow up wanting to be the bunny that gets picked on by its “peers.” I feel that because we as humans have so many different attributes about us, some stemming from our ancestors, there is a certain polarity that forces some to be better than others at a certain task or characteristic (not merely because one is more hard-working than another). There’s an old adage “Be yourself” yet I always hear other topics of discussion, like changing yourself for the better.

I recently got into an argument with a friend this past quarter, and at the end of our heated discussion he said that he wanted to “distance himself from [me] due to the fact that [I] cause drama.” If my actions originate from something deeper like my insecurities which he also dislikes, how do I change it? Especially since insecurities aren’t so much as habits as they are flaws. Likewise in some aspect, we could hypothetically train a murderer to “stop” murdering, but can we “teach” him/her empathy, that due to the lack of it, was a factor in his actions? My insecurities are, in a way, who I am. It’ll be fine for me to stop putting so much focus on how friendships are put together, but if I never curb my insecurities, will the issues actually diminish, disintegrate, and disappear? That’s what I really want to know. Of course, I would like to change myself, but would it be easier for ME to distance myself from the friendship as well, to avoid strain in a relationship or learn to change myself even though my flaw hasn’t really caused more harm with other friends?

In some ways, I wish I was more of a passive person. Letting fate decide if I should get picked up by bunnies, fed to snakes, or set in a cage alone seems so much more simple. The bunny might get adopted by my friend’s roommate. Does this mean I should learn to accept pity and charity from others? I guess time will only tell once winter quarter ends…

Wow. It’s unbelievable how long it’s been since i wrote on Tumblr. About a year? It seems like I ran a whole lap on a track field. Back to the same mundane area my mind has always been, yet composed of more ideas and experience than I have received in a while.

Some thoughts still eat at me like a lion consuming its prey that has narrowly avoided death until now. My fastidious nature—the inability to accept answers right there in front of me has surely driven a wedge that separates my human psyche from sanity. I just care too much. I expect the worst in people until they prove otherwise. Reflecting upon this past summer, I remember gazing upon one of my biochemistry midterms with an expression of elation, but which quickly turned sour when I brushed off my “94/95” score with the cynical reason that “oh, my professor probably just inputted the grades incorrectly.” I put too much care into these things, and these negative ideas start snowballing into certain characteristics that latch onto me—like insecurity and depression.

The concept of “regrets” is an interesting one.

A paradox, to put it more accurately;

you wished you had never done something—but at the exact moment when you executed the action, you actually did want to do it.

It’s amazing how time and consequences can affect someone’s mindset so much.

You life would be empty if you had nothing to regret

Vincent Van Gogh